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THE ANTI-GUM

25 December 2004

,,Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most!' rhyms Willy Wonka in the upcoming Burton-flick Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. And he couldn't have been more right. For some reason as of yet unbeknownst to me, people around the world are still not taking the words of Wonka as gospel. This amazes me to no extent, because if you had to learn the lessons of life from any one person in the world, surely it'd be Wonka?

In this case, I really must echo the words of the candymeister himself. Chewing gum is a horror in this world. The sheer rancidness is mindboggling, and yet I see people flapping it between their teeth in rythmic jawslugging fashion every day. Chewing their softened chafer of tree-chitin with the careless ordinarity of a tasteless hooligan. Albeit a hooligan with fresh breath. If we're lucky, these folks will dispose of their plastic dumplings in the garbagebin. But we all know for a fact that millions of those miscreants will just pop 'em under the desk or throw them on the pavement.

This isn't even about the fact that the stuff stays there for the next fifty thousand years or so, because if I had even a whimper of hope that all those lobotomization-ready clowns were susceptible to actual reason, I'd have gone environmentalist already. No. This is about the complete uselessness of chewing gum. It starts with the fact that it's minty. Personally, if there's one thing I hate it's the taste of mint in my mouth. It makes me feel like I had a rinsing enema applied in the wrong orifice.

Oh I'm all for non-smelling breath. But maybe you should try -oh I don't know- brushing your teeth once in a while? Or maybe actually not actively defile your breath with cigarettes or coffee or somesuch? In the rare case that you have a bacteria tucked away under your tongue, causing real stinky exhortation, you may actually have a believable reason for chewing it. Otherwise, you're just like Luke Skywalker. Whine, whine, whine.

If you're doing it for your attitude; then allow me to laugh at you like mad. There is verily nothing screaming 'trailertrash!' more heavily than relaxedly chewing gum with your mouth half-open. It donates the appearance of someone who wouldn't even be able to find the powerbutton on his machine. Let alone form coherent sentences. You want style? Carry an umbrella around as a cane. Dress up properly, forming your own taste without the help of magazines or advertisements. And whatever you do, don't do chewing gum. In twenty years we'll all be laughing our asses off when looking back at that retarded practice. Just like we're doing now with the way women wore shoulderpadded suits in the 80s.

So whenever you feel like popping that chemical pill, think of Willy Wonka. Think of how he'd shake his head at you in silent disappointment. And then prod you into his chocolate river.

Roderick.