11 August 2010

I recently called up my mom to ask what age I was again, which I think illustrates how I drift through life at the moment filtering out things I don’t really care about. The reason I brought it up is that tomorrow it’s my birthday and I’ll be a glittering 27 years old, which suddenly seems fabulously ancient.

Perhaps the reason for the startledness was that 30 (and with that, professional adulthood) seems very close all of a sudden. And when I look around, I see I’ve built up so preciously little. I don’t have a job, I have no capital and only a few projects that may or may not create work opportunities in the future. My home isn’t bad, though it’s hardly ideal. I’m still living off of government money like a leech. I could set out to find a job, but I first want to see all my projects through: I’m set on this path for some time at least. That’s perhaps bothersome, but that also makes it endurable. I know there’s at least some things on the horizon.

On the relationship front it’s still calm waters. I’ve been single for half a year (it seems longer), and for now that’s fine. I’m not angling for anything, out of personal but also practical reasons: there’s simply no time and space for it. That’s the sort of thing I’ll gladly reserve for after the next couple of years. Once I, hopefully, have a steady income and are able to actually settle a litte. Get a nice home in a quiet place. Travel every day to a studio of some sort at least half an hour away. Find happiness and independence. Though I have a lot of freedom in some respects right now, it’s also a crippling vice in others.

It’s funny that my dreams and desires are nowadays sharply at odds with each other. There is the ancient dream of fame and fortune, travelling the globe, jetsetting around and exploring every opportunity. But then there’s also a more quiet dream, where I seek simply to exist in a comfortable rhythm, away from the stressed bustle of everyday modernity. In some ways, that latter happiness feels like a truer one. There has always been a bit of a lone rook in me, a person content to turn away from human affairs. Ideally, I’d be able to marry the two in a wholesome way. Knowing my penchant for breaking through conventions, my shot at it might actually be a good one. Who’s to know though?

So for now (and, let’s be honest, for the past years) I’ll just dream of that time. I’ll be patient and await it a while longer. But I expect those times to arrive at least before I reach, ahem, professional adulthood!