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WARNING: FOPPISH TALES BELOW

17 November 2004

I am aware that I'm treading hoodoovoodoo grounds with today's rant, flowing about somewhere between spiritual enlightenment gobbledygook and emotional mumbojumbo of the let's-have-a-chat-about-feelings kind. Well, let's.

For the past year I've been occasionally experiencing this emotion that was completely new to me. No-no, don't be afraid, you are not about to witness a public coming out of the closet. Not that I assume that my readers are homophobic, but even with all the political correctness of the world you'd still see that'd be somewhat awkward to read. Anyway, back to the emotion. I'm guessing this is quite an advanced emotion, far more subtle and nuanced than such basic sets such as 'fear' and 'love'. Unfortunately it is also infinitely harder to place. In all its subtlety it constantly eludes my grasp. Whenever I feel it, it is gone as soon as I try to focus on it, and it seems impossible to retrace it to its origin.

I'll explain what exactly it is and when it occurs. It happens whenever I hear or see something. It usually triggers on an auditive cue. Say I'm standing next to a piano, and someone is playing an improvised piece (unfortunately I can't play the piano myself, which is a source of great frustration to me, as musical mastery is one of the few things that I haven't been able to dabble in succesfully). The person behind the piano then plays a certain combination of chords, and something is triggered in my brain. I am suddenly overwhelmed by deep grief, and an immense longing for SOMETHING, something that I can't put my finger on. It may or may not be that at that same time I see a scene playing before me, which always leads me to think that the music I just heard inspired a memory of some movie or game I played in the past.

But when I try to figure out which game exactly, or precisely what movie, I get stuck. There doesn't seem to be any movie that fits the bill. And I'll tell you what it is. It's FRUSTRATING, that's what it is. And at the same time, it's beautiful, because I'm experiencing this wonderfully complex emotion that's playing games with me. Over the past year this has happened multiple times, that I was suddenly struck by this incomprehensible feeling. And every time it was as arresting as it was beautiful.

In my deductions (yes, I'm a real sleuth) I've designed a theory that could be the key. Because I am constantly reminded of scenes that appear to come from a narrative, yet that are obviously not from any one particular story, I'm theorizing that it may be the memory of a collective accumulation of ALL the stories I've ever experienced that is triggered. The music serves to initiate the warm feelings I have towards entire genres, and so I experience this emotion per different genre. So far I've counted fantasy and science fiction. Since these are the dominant two types of stories I'm fond of, I think the number won't grow. But wow, how about that? Who'd have ever thought that you could have a collective memory of everything you've ever seen, merged together to form one block of overpowering emotion?

Or maybe it's that primordial feeling that resides in all human beings, the feeling that you want to go home. The collective memory that we have lost something over the centuries and that we're strangers here on this earth and in this life. But frankly I'm betting on the first theory.

I could be wrong though. And even now I know this, it doesn't change a thing. The feeling is still one of complete desolation and utter warmth, and nothing will change that. Every time I'll feel it, I'll frantically try to find why I'm feeling it, what caused it and what my mind is trying so hard to remember. Maybe there IS no answer. Maybe I'm just an emotional fool. But heck, I certainly didn't lie about today's rant being kerrazy, did I?

Roderick.